I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
