It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
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