Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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