My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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