Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
