The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It's official drugs can't kill me
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
