I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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