I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
