Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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