new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
