Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Even my vagina gasped.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
