I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
