the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
