thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
