Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize