forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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