I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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