why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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