I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
