I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
