today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
