I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize