I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
