I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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