I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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