Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
As shirtless as possible
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
