I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
