So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
