So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
