I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
