I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
