I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
