Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
