Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
