I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
