I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
