YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
