Ambien. No doubt about it.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
