just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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