I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
