Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
