I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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