Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
