Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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