The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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