I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
