there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
