My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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