He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
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