The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
