i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
