after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
