I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
