i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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