I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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