if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
