Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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