Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
